When Going Home for the Holidays Feels More Complicated Than Comforting
When you’re in college, going home for the holidays is supposed to feel comforting - a break, a reset, a chance to be around people who know you best. But the reality is often more complicated than that.
There’s a subtle pressure to treat the holidays as automatically restorative, and when your experience doesn’t match that, it can feel confusing, isolating, or even upsetting.
The contrast between the idea of going home and the actual experience can be unsettling, even if nothing is ‘wrong’. And as uncomfortable as that may feel, it’s far more common than people talk about.
The messy in-between of going home
By the time the holidays come around and fall semester has settled, you’ve finally started to find a rhythm: new routines, new friends, new independence. Then suddenly you’re packing a suitcase, leaving that progress behind, and stepping back into a version of home that hasn’t changed, even though you have.
For some people, that shift is comforting. It feels familiar and grounding.
For others, it’s disruptive, draining, or emotionally complicated.
For most, it’s some mix of all of it.
The weight of expectations (yours and everyone else’s)
There’s an unspoken script about holiday break: you’ll sleep a ton, reconnect with childhood friends, eat great food, and return to campus refreshed. But going home can also mean:
comments about your body the second you walk through the door
relatives asking how school is going when you’re still finding your footing
slipping back into family roles you outgrew
managing parents who want to spend every second together when you were hoping for some space
returning to a town that brings up memories you’d rather not revisit
judgments about your choices, independence, routines, or appearance
And for some, going home also brings up grief - whether it’s the absence of someone who used to be there, or the reality that your family doesn’t look like the versions you see in other people’s posts. Blended families, strained relationships, or recent losses can all make the holidays feel even more complicated, even if it’s something you don’t talk about often.
None of this is “restful.” It brings up pressure, anxiety, and emotional fatigue - feelings that don’t align with the holiday image you’re “supposed” to have.
The comparison loop that’s hard to ignore
Comparison sneaks in fast over break. You’re seeing friends post photos of big family dinners, vacations, cozy traditions, or captions about how good it feels to be home - and meanwhile you’re wondering why it doesn’t feel like that for you.
Your thoughts might drift to:
“Everyone else seems excited to be home. Why am I not?”
“What if someone asks how school is going and I don’t have a great answer?”
“I really don’t want to deal with comments about my appearance.”
“Being home doesn’t feel like the same version of me anymore.”
And if your semester has already felt like a lot, whether with classes, friendships, or just adjusting, break can make that feel even more pronounced. Or the shift home might highlight how different you feel from the version of you your family is used to.
It makes sense to feel unsettled. Being pulled between two parts of your life can bring up a lot.
So…what do you do with all of this?
Most people find that their holiday breaks aren’t all good or all bad…it’s usually some combination of relief, nostalgia, tension, and the awkward in-between. The goal isn’t to force it to feel a certain way, but to move through it with a little more steadiness.
Here are a few things that actually help:
Lower the pressure
Maybe break won’t be magical. Maybe it’ll be mixed. Expecting it to be neutral (not amazing, not awful) often makes it easier to tolerate, and sometimes that creates room for moments that feel genuine.
Make plans that give you a sense of stability
Even one or two intentional plans can shift the tone of the whole week. Things like:
seeing a friend who doesn’t make everything a comparison
time with a sibling or cousin who gets your humor
a walk, errand, or drive where you can just be
These moments can anchor you when the rest of the week feels unpredictable.
Stay connected to people who feel grounding
Reaching out to a school friend and being honest about how break is going can take some of the pressure off. Staying in touch with the people who know the version of you you’re becoming, not just the version you used to be, can help you feel steadier at home.
Prep for the things you know will happen
If you know you’ll hear certain questions or comments, think ahead about how you want to respond. Simple, honest answers work:
“Still adjusting, but I’m figuring things out.”
“It’s been a mix. Some parts have been great, some have been tough.”
“I’m learning a lot about myself this year.”
You don’t owe anyone a polished update. These answers honor your truth without giving more than you want to share.
Step away from the comparison triggers
Not forever - just enough to notice your own experience instead of constantly measuring it against curated ones. Deleting or hiding an app for a few days can be a massive relief, especially when everyone posts the version of family life that looks nothing like real life.
Create small boundaries with family
This doesn’t have to be dramatic. It can sound like:
“I’m going to take a little time to myself this afternoon.”
“I want to spend time together, but I also need a little space to recharge.”
These small boundaries help you stay connected without feeling swallowed.
Remember: this is temporary
Breaks feel long when you’re living them hour by hour, especially in a tense or exhausting environment. But this week doesn’t define you, your semester, or who you’re becoming.
You’re not going backward - you’re just visiting an old environment with new eyes. You’ll be back in your routine soon.
Feeling this way doesn’t mean anything is wrong…it means you’re in the middle of a transition that’s still taking shape.
Going home during college is complicated for a lot of people, even the ones who don’t talk about it.
If the holidays bring up heavier feelings, that’s often a reflection of the dynamics around you - not a reflection of how well you’re ‘doing’ college. It’s part of what happens when you’re figuring out who you are and what you want…it’s messy, and that’s okay.
If you could use extra support
If this season feels heavier than you expected, or you simply want space to sort through what’s coming up, I’m here. You can reach out to set up a conversation or learn more about the support available during the holidays and into the new year.
